


Not That I'll Tell You

by aewgliriel



Series: Letters [2]
Category: Star Wars Legends: Legacy Era - All Media Types
Genre: F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-17
Updated: 2016-01-17
Packaged: 2018-05-14 12:17:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,431
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5743561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aewgliriel/pseuds/aewgliriel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jaina writes a letter to Kyp.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not That I'll Tell You

Dear Kyp,  
  
I don't even know if I should be writing this. My head is telling me it's wrong, but I want to get this down.  
  
I want to kick myself for even entertaining these thoughts, but they've been a presence in my brain for going on two years now, and I have to address them. I wouldn't even be doing this now if not for some things that Jacen, and Jag, of all people, said to me recently.  
  
Now that I'm actually writing this, I'm not sure what to say. Do you realise that you're the only person who really does this to me? You throw me off-balance, so I always feel as if I'm not as sure about things as maybe I should be. Not that I'll tell you, ever.  
  
You probably know this, though. I've accused you of toying with me enough that you should have it memorised by now. Come to think of it, you know a lot of things about me. You know _some_ things I'd never willingly tell another sentient being. It seems kind of strange that there are things I can tell you that no one else would understand. Not Jacen, not my parents, not Jag.  
  
I used to think the only person who knew me was Jacen. My twin, my other half. Jacen has known me longer than anyone in the galaxy. And sometimes, Jacen still knows me better than I know myself. He's said things to me in the past two years that I scoffed at, but really, who would know me better than him? If I told him I was writing this, he'd laugh his stupid head off. Not because I'm writing it, but because he was right.  
  
I can't tell my parents about any of this just yet. They'd understand, in their own ways, I think, eventually, but it's that look on Mom's face I don't want to see. You've misbehaved enough that you should know exactly what I'm talking about. It's that one where her eyebrows draw together, her mouth gets all small, and if her eyes were lightsabers, you'd be in tiny pieces on the floor. That one. Dad, though . . . he'd probably be more understanding. He's Han Solo, you know? I mean . . . he was there with Carida, I know he was, though he doesn't talk about it, but he's still your friend. Dad is one of those people who can really tell the character of people, you know what I mean?  
  
My only real hesitation is Jag. I haven't known Jag nearly as long as I've known you. And you probably don't want to hear this part . . . which doesn't matter because I'm not going to give it to you, so why am I even worrying? Anyway . . .  
  
Jag has been a big part of my life recently. But I've always been torn, when I think about having a life with him. Sure, he's a great friend, and he's loosened up a lot. He loves me, and he's fun to be around. It may not look like it, but he really is a great guy, and he's got a wicked sense of humour. I know that expression you'd be making at about this point, with your right eyebrow raised and that smirk of yours. Yes, Jag has a personality!  
  
But something feels missing, when I'm with Jag. I somehow feel incomplete, and I've never really been sure why. I mean, okay, I think I'm starting to get it now, but it took Jag himself to point it out to me, even though I desperately reassured him that he and I . . . But I was wrong. He was exactly right, and now I don't know what to do.  
  
I tried to break up with him recently. I won't go into details, but his first thought at why I was doing it was because of Mom and Dad, and their not liking me being involved with an Imperial. Okay, so that's a factor, but I'd never tell him that. The fact that he's an Imperial has never mattered to me.  
  
His second thought was you. I didn't even want to think about. I mean, I'd been through a whole list, a dozen times over, why I shouldn't . . . think that way. But now that I've had some time away, I know he's right.  
  
You've been with me since Hapes. You were there for me in the darkest time of my life. You saved me, and you sacrificed for me. I was incredibly ungrateful when you risked yourself to save Jag. You nearly died, and what did I do? I went and kissed someone else.  
  
Every time I need someone, you're there. It's the strangest thing, sometimes, to just _know_ that if I need someone, I just have to look and see you. I can't do that with Jag. I mean, since when he's around, we're never really apart, I can look to him when he's around, but . . . you're always a presence somewhere. I can make a comm from halfway across the galaxy to you . . . and you just listen. You're there without asking for anything from me.  
  
I was terrified you were going to leave me, when we were on Borleias. I know . . . how you feel. And I've tried to ignore it, but I realise now why I was trying so hard.  
  
I didn't want the stigma of being involved. After what happened at Sernpidal, I didn't want people to look at me funny. I didn't want them to extend their dislike of you to me. It's a stupid, selfish reason, and I don't think I ever consciously thought about it, but that's why. Well, one of the reasons. I genuinely like Jag. He's handsome, and I'm attracted to him.  
  
But it takes more than attraction to build something. I know that now. It takes . . . everything you and I have. It's weird to say that you and I have more than what Jag and I have . . . because if you took away the physical stuff, Jag and I are just friends . . . good friends, but still, just friends.  
  
But with you . . . I trust my very life with you, Kyp. I know that if I ever need anything, you'd move heaven and earth to do it. And I've been horribly unfair . . . but that's generally what happens when someone's afraid. I've been selfish, but now that I've thought about all the reasons, and gone through the list again . . . I don't see a down side anymore. All I see is you.  
  
And now that it's time to say the words, I can't do it. I can't put them down here. You'd probably be able to do it. You've known so long that it's nothing new to you. But this is new and scary to me. I don't even know if I could say it to your face.  
  
But I say it to my pillow at night, so that's a start, I guess.  
  
Now I just need to say the words to you, and let the detractors go hang. It's not their life. It's not their heart.  
  
  
\----------  
  
  
Jaina's commlink buzzed, breaking her concentration. Feeling quite out of sorts, she answered it. "Solo."  
  
"Colonel, General Antilles is calling a briefing in his office."  
  
"Thank you, I'll be right there."  
  
Jaina clicked off the commlink and looked at the words on her datapad. Sighing, she saved the file. She'd have to go over it later.  
  
She stood and stretched, then headed for the door.  
  
Turning the last corner, Jaina collided with someone coming the opposite direction. Her datapad hit the floor. She looked up and saw Kyp, who was looking flustered. She would die before admitting it, but she felt a little flustered, too.  
  
"Sorry about that," Kyp said. He bent and she saw he'd been carrying a datapad, too. He picked them both up. "You going somewhere?"  
  
"Meeting with General Antilles."  
  
"Ah." He smiled, handing her datapad over. "You busy after? I discovered this great Corellian restaurant last week. I'd drag your father to it, but he's off-planet."  
  
Jaina smiled wryly. "They're on Ossus. Sure, sounds like fun."  
  
"Great, I'll meet you at your place at nineteen hundred?"  
  
"Sure. I gotta go . . ." The moment was suddenly very awkward. At least, for Jaina.  
  
Kyp gave her a lopsided smile. "Okay, get going. I'll see you later."  
  
She watched him go, then hurriedly dashed into Wedge's office. She nodded hello to everyone, then sat down and turned her datapad on to take notes.  
  
Then her eyes caught a few words on the screen, and she realised that this wasn't her datapad.  
  
It was Kyp's.


End file.
